Blog
Power of the Pause
Something that often comes up in sessions with my clients is the “power of the pause”. A moment to reconsider and step back. That time of waiting/holding; the liminal space between “what was” and “what’s next”. A pause can be small, almost imperceptible—simply taking a deep breath, or intentionally waiting a bit longer to respond or make a decision. It can create enough space for a reactive tendency to stand still, allowing for the possibility of a new option or realization to appear. In the pause, something can shift on a cellular level.
It’s like being in a little hallway between the rooms of the heart and the mind, a passageway that can lead us to a new existence, a new understanding, but we’re not sure about where we’re going yet. In between and betwixt.
A pause is often uncomfortable, disorienting, and ripe with uncertainty. It can push us to our threshold, our edge. Yet it is often where most deep transformation takes place. Epiphanies are often born from time in the pause.
What is unfolding in the inner hallways of your mind and heart? What are the pauses and liminal spaces that can nourish you amidst the larger unfolding?
How you tend to your mind will be similar to how you tend to your relationships.
Let this one soak in. The way we tend to ourselves is the general basis for how we end up treating others. It becomes the way we train ourselves to respond, whether we’re experiencing something really joyful, or while dealing with discomfort, annoyance, confusion, and misunderstandings.(And there are certainly a lot of those these days – very understandably.)
When your mind doesn’t behave the way you want it to, do you get mad at yourself? If so, you’ll strengthen that pattern with others too. What kind of things do you tell yourself? Do you tend to beat yourself up when things don’t go the way you’d planned; punish yourself, second-guess yourself, or have a hard time trusting your own intentions? If so, that’ll tend to be the framework from which you view others as well.
Or—Do you tend to attempt to have some patience with yourself? To gently guide your mind, clarifying what you want to be focused on and giving attention to? Allowing yourself to notice what you’re feeling? Can you take a moment with your own mind to try to listen to all the directions it’s taking you, and drop down into your heart for a bit to see what feels right for you? What happens when you turn towards yourself with some nurturance and understanding? When you can realize that you don’t need to have it all figured out (because nobody does), and that can still be acceptable? If you can tend to yourself with some amount of self-compassion every day (regardless of the outer chaos), you will pass that gift along to your relationships as well, so that they can truly become more nourishing and resilient.
Soothe vs. Solve
What can you soothe while waiting/hoping for something to be solved? Soothing is in your control. Solving might be—and it might not.
Soothe (v): to gently calm, reduce pain or discomfort, bring ease or relief.
Solve (v): to find an answer to or an explanation for.
During these times of immense uncertainty and confusion, it can be important to remember the difference between ‘Soothe’ and ‘Solve’.
There are undoubtedly *so many things on *so many levels that must get figured out, often causing a great deal of anxiety and fear. And yet many of these simply won’t (or can’t) be solved quickly or easily, due to the systemic dysfunction from which they arise, or a variety of other reasons. So, even when you can’t get something solved, you can still feel some tangible calmness and relief by learning how to soothe —yourself as well as others.
Some ways to soothe yourself:
take a few deep breaths
recite a useful mantra/affirmation
focus on what’s right in front of you at that moment
play music or make art
take a walk/ move your body/ dance
One of the best ways you can soothe others is to simply listen. It is such a powerful gift, and one that is often underestimated. Listening offers space for another’s feelings to be known—not fixed or explained, just known. This can be incredibly nourishing even though the problem is still “unsolved”.
The next time you (or someone next to you) feel(s) frustrated with a problem that just seems impossible —whether it’s the dishes in the sink or the state of the world— see if you can find one small way to focus on soothing, instead of focusing on solving. Even though there will always be more to figure out or get done, your nervous system can still benefit and enjoy momentary relief derived from your conscious, intentional actions of soothing…and that’s something that is in your control.